Continuing the conversation between Tim and Steve. Catch up on the first 16 installments via Steve’s author page.
“Spaffa’s brilliant, isn’t he Steve?”
“Well…”
“Building us forty new hospitals…”
“Er…”
“Working tirelessly…”
“He isn’t…”
“For the benefit of others…”
“He really isn’t, Tim.”
“Isn’t what, Steve?”
“The hospitals, mate…”
“What about them?”
“Not happening.”
“It’s in the papers, Steve…”
“All smoke and mirrors, Tim.”
“I don’t think so…”
“Honestly.”
“You can’t smoke in hospitals, Steve…”
“No…”
“Not nowadays…”
“You misunderstand…”
“Not even within twenty feet…”
“What I mean is…”
“Of the building…”
“I’m not talking about smoking…”
“You have to stand outside in the rain…”
“Tim…”
“Catch your death of cold…”
“Tim…”
“How’s that good for your health?”
“Tim…”
“What?”
“Smoke and mirrors means…”
“Yes?”
“There’s a gulf between what’s claimed…”
“Eh?”
“And what’s actually happening on the ground.”
“You’ve lost me.”
“OK. Let’s try again…”
“Go for it.”
“I promise you forty new cars…”
“Why do I want forty new cars, Steve?”
“Well…”
“That’s just greedy…”
“But…”
“I’m not a monster…”
“What I’m saying is…”
“One car’s plenty, thank you…”
“The car’s an analogy, Tim.”
“It’s a Mondeo, mate.”
“No…”
“It is.”
“That’s not…”
“Best car ever made…”
“It’s on bricks, Tim…”
“Still the best car ever made…”
“What I mean…”
“Bar none…”
“Listen, Tim…”
“Go on…”
“If I promise you forty new Mondeos…”
“Which I don’t want…”
“And only give you one new wing mirror…”
“One wing mirror?”
“Yes.”
“You’ll get a slap, mate.”
“Exactly.”
“That’s taking the piss…”
“You’re absolutely right, Tim…”
“A mate’s a mate…”
“I know…”
“But that’s disrespectful…”
“It is…”
“Why would you even do that?”
“I’m not, Tim…”
“But you said…”
“Spaffa promises forty new hospitals…”
“Right…”
“But counts a new clinic in one wing…”
“He does?”
“As one of those hospitals…”
“Well, it is new…”
“It’s positively Orwellian…”
“You mean Churchillian…”
“Trust me, I don’t.”
“You sure…?”
“This is textbook Orwell.”
“Orwell?”
“Yes.”
“One of my all-time heroes, mate.”
“Really?”
“Of course.”
“Well, this is a surprise…”
“I’m a huge fan of his work…”
“Very glad to hear it, Tim…”
“I wish I could fly…”
“I’m sorry?”
“Right up to the sky…”
“Oh god…”
“But I can’t…”
“You can…”
“No, Steve, I can’t…”
“Not be serious…”
“One little green duck…”
“Give…”
“Encapsulating in a single song…”
“Me…”
“The eternal struggle…”
“Strength…”
“Between our aspirations…”
“Tim…”
“And the groundless fears…”
“Tim…”
“We allow to limit us…”
“Tim!”
“Yes?”
“Orwell was an author.”
“I didn’t know he could write, Steve.”
“No…”
“I mean, how’d he even hold the pen?”
“You’ve got the wrong end…”
“In his beak…?”
“Of the stick…”
“In his little webbed feet…?”
“George Orwell is the author, Tim.”
“He has a first name?”
“Orville is the duck.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“You sure about that?”
“Absolutely.”
“They’re not the same person?”
“No.”
“Well, this is a turn up for the books…”
“Orwell wrote Animal Farm…”
“OK…”
“And 1984…”
“I remember 1984…”
“You do?”
“A great year…”
“Not quite what…”
“Wham!”
“Orwell was writing about…”
“They were the stars of 1984…”
“1984 is not about Wham!”
“Well, it wasn’t ALL about Wham! Steve…”
“Oh, Tim…”
“But, love them or loathe them, they do loom large…”
“Not in the book, they don’t…”
“In the musical pantheon…”
“Tim, the novel 1984 is set in a dystopian future…”
“It was forty years ago, mate…”
“Where Big Brother and the Party…”
“Thirty-seven, to be precise…”
“Practise doublespeak…”
“Doublespeak?”
“Proclaim they’re doing one thing…”
“Yes?”
“While doing the opposite…”
“OK…”
“The Ministry of Peace wages war, for example….”
“I see…”
“So when Spaffa says…”
“Yes…”
“He’s building forty hospitals…”
“But doesn’t…?”
“But doesn’t…”
“It’s like wing mirrors, right?”
“It’s like wing mirrors, Tim.”
“Right…”
“When he claims he’s levelling up…”
“But cuts £20 a week from my Universal Credit…”
“Exactly…”
“He’s being Orvillian…”
“More or less, Tim, yes.”
“Wow.”
“Doublespeak, you see?”
“My head’s spinning, mate…”
“I can imagine…”
“It’s been…”
“A lot to take on?”
“Yes.”
“Would a pint help settle things down?”
“Well, it’s always worth a try, Steve.”
“Thought it might be…”
“And it’s your round…”
“What?”
“Stitching me up on those forty cars…”
“Uh-huh…”
“It’s the least you can do…”
“Go on, then…”
“Good man!”
“And while we’re there…”
“Yes?”
“I’ll tell you all about Animal Farm…”
“Is it a tale of the adventures of a Yorkshire vet, Steve…?”
“Wait and find out, Tim. Wait and find out…”
