Continuing the conversation between Tim and Steve. Catch up on the first 12 installments via Steve’s author page.
“Wow, Tim.” “Morning, Steve.” “You’ve been… busy, mate.” “Indeed I have.” “I barely recognise the place…” “Told you those flagpoles would come in handy…” “It’s…” “I know what you’re going to say.” “You do?” “Let me save you the trouble, Steve.” “Go on…” “It’s impressive, isn’t it?” “Just how much bunting is that, Tim?” “As the crow flies…” “Can they do that in bunting?” “It’s a shade over seven furlongs.” “I see.” “Seventy chains, if you prefer.” “Right.” “There’s a certain poetic beauty to that…” “What?” “Bunting measured in chains…” “Uh-huh.” “And arranged in chains…” “Why?” “I don’t know, Steve. It’s just traditional.” “No…” “You may as well ask why pillar boxes?” “I mean…” “Why baked beans? Why royalty?” “What I’m trying to say…” “Some things just ARE, Steve…” “The question I’m asking is…” “And you have to accept them.” “Why the bunting, Tim?” “Oh.” “What’s the celebration?” “Well…” “Is it your birthday?” “That was last month, Steve.” “It was?” “It was.” “Sorry, mate. I missed it.” “Again.” “Again?” “You missed it last year…” “I did?” “And the year before that…” “Did you have a good day, Tim?” “I spent it on my own…” “Right…” “On the back seat of the car…” “Hmmm…” “With a can of warm lager…” “I see…” “Couldn’t have been better.” “Really?” “Absolutely.” “But the bunting’s not for your birthday?” “No.” “So…?” “This has been a momentous year, Steve…” “OK…” “And I am flying the bunting…” “Seven furlongs of it…” “Or seventy chains…” “Shedloads of bunting, Tim…” “Indeed.” “Whichever way you cut it…” “In commemoration and celebration…” “Uh-huh…” “Of times our children will talk about in wonder.” “But you don’t have kids, Tim.” “Beside the point, Steve.” “If you say so…” “One hundred days ago…” “Yes…” “I left Cassandra…” “Oh, Tim.” “Struck out into the world on my own…” “And now you’re living in a car.” “Think of it less as a car, Steve…” “I barely think of it as a car at all, mate.” “More as a springboard of opportunity…” “Really?” “Oh yes.” “It lacks the structural integrity…” “Eh?” “Of a springboard, Tim…” “That’s harsh…” “Especially since you let Spaffa at it.” “He’s doing his best, Steve…” “Missing doors, bricks for wheels…” “But…” “The absence of a roof…” “He’s had a lot on his plate…” “And how’s the tunnel network going?” “It would seem that project…” “Yes?” “May have been abandoned…” “Really?” “For the present.” “Right.” “A temporary setback…” “Uh-huh.” “That’s all.” “But you’re still putting up the bunting…” “Yes.” “To celebrate one hundred days since you left Cassandra.” “No.” “But you said…” “It’s one hundred days since I left…” “Exactly!” “But that’s purely coincidental.” “So what are you celebrating?” “What I am celebrating here, Steve…” “Go on…” “Is the end of racism.” “I’m sorry?” “The end of racism.” “You sure about that, Tim?” “Spaffa announced it last week.” “Really?” “He says the real problem…” “Go on…” “Is people complaining about racism…” “Is that so…?” “And maintaining a false narrative…” “Hmmm…” “Built around something which doesn’t exist.” “Jesus.” “I’m paraphrasing a little…” “Right…” “It was a 258-page report, after all…” “I see…” “But that’s the gist.” “So, his comments about picaninnies?” “Banter.” “Watermelon smiles?” “A metaphor.” “Burqas and letterboxes?” “Fake news.” “Widely reported, Tim.” “Not the point, Steve.” “Er…” “And if you just stopped talking about it…” “It’s EXACTLY the point, mate.” “It wouldn’t be an issue.” “Oh, Tim.” “We are a beacon for all to admire…” “This is the best of all possible worlds, right?” “What?” “Very Panglossian.” “Panglossian?” “Yes…” “Midfield? West Ham? 1990?” “Candide. Voltaire. 1759.” “I loved their stuff.” “Eh?” “Cabaret Voltaire.” “Er…” “Nag Nag Nag’s a stone-cold classic.” “No…” “It is, Steve. No doubt about it.” “Voltaire was French, Tim.” “No, mate, they were from Sheffield.” “And he was an author.” “Really?” “Yes.” “And this Panglossian fella?” “Professor Pangloss was…” “An intellectual?” “A character in the novel Candide…” “Are you making this up?” “Who believed that whatever happens…” “Yes?” “Is for the best.” “Nothing wrong with that, Steve.” “According to Pangloss…” “Sounds like the man had his head screwed on.” “If I hit you five times…” “What?” “For no reason…” “There’s no need for violence, Steve.” “It’s all for the best…” “It bloody well isn’t!” “In the best of all possible worlds.” “I beg to differ!” “It only becomes a problem…” “I’ll call the police!” “When you start moaning about it.” “Are you making a point here, Steve?” “Think of it as a metaphor, Tim.” “I see…” “One of Spaffa’s metaphors…” “Hmmm…” “With furlongs and furlongs of bunting.”
