Continuing the conversation between Tim and Steve. If you enjoy this, it’s worth catching up on the first 20 installments via Steve’s author page.
“The taxi service, Steve.”
“I’m sorry?”
“The taxi service.”
“I heard what you said, Tim…”
“So?”
“I’m just not sure why you mention it…”
“Well, that’s how these things work, isn’t it?”
“What things?”
“Our conversations.”
“Go on…”
“We meet up…”
“Yes…”
“Exchange greetings…”
“Usually…”
“Then you ask what’s on my mind…”
“I do…”
“So I thought I’d cut to the chase…”
“I see…”
“Let you know straight off the bat…”
“Right…”
“That I’m more than immoderately exercised…”
“Really?”
“About the taxi service.”
“OK.”
“What you got to say about that, then?”
“Well…”
“Yes?”
“It’s been a difficult eighteen months across all sectors…”
“Er…”
“Of the service industry…”
“Yes, but…”
“And taxis have been no exception…”
“But, Steve…”
“Lockdowns, a drop in consumer confidence…”
“But, Steve…”
“The effects of covid on drivers themselves…”
“Steve…”
“They’ve all had an impact…”
“STEVE!”
“Yes?”
“That’s not what I mean.”
“No?”
“I’m not talking about taxi taxis…”
“Well, Uber’s no different, mate…”
“And I’m not…”
“They’ve had the same challenges…”
“Talking…”
“Town’s dead after 6pm…”
“About them…”
“God knows how they make a living…”
“Either.”
“You’re not?”
“No.”
“So what are you talking about, Tim?”
“The taxi service.”
“So you said…”
“This country being a soft touch…”
“Huh?”
“Again…”
“You’ve lost me, mate…”
“Do I need to spell it out, Steve?”
“It might help, to be honest…”
“The RNLI.”
“Oh, Tim.”
“A taxi service…”
“They really aren’t…”
“For migrants…”
“Tim…”
“Ferrying them…”
“The RNLI are there…”
“Over here…”
“To help people in distress, mate.”
“And what’s the result?”
“Saved lives, Tim?”
“An invasion!”
“A what??”
“An invasion, Steve…”
“It really isn’t…”
“Using taxpayers’ money…”
“They don’t, Tim…”
“To re-build lifeboat stations…”
“Oh boy…”
“To face towards Mecca…”
“Jesus…”
“And Paris…”
“I think you’ll find…”
“And Brussels…”
“That’s nonsense, mate.”
“It’s absolute gospel…”
“They face to the sea, Tim…”
“Deny it all you want…”
“What with it being important to launch their boats…”
“But the truth is out there…”
“Into the actual sea.”
“Online…”
“Uh-huh.”
“The Great Reset, Steve.”
“Not again…”
“When did you last see a lifeboat round here?”
“We’re seventy miles inland, Tim.”
“That’s not the point, Steve!”
“It very definitely is, mate.”
“You can’t get a lifeboat these days…”
“You can…”
“For love nor money…”
“Try the coast, maybe?”
“And it is the birthright…”
“Give me strength…”
“Of every true-born Englishman…”
“You been listening to Laurence…”
“To have first dibs…”
“And Nigel again, Tim?”
“On being plucked from the briny…”
“Like that time in Cornwall…?”
“What?”
“When you drank five pints…”
“Er…”
“Of scrumpy…”
“Very good it was, too…”
“Ate one bag of crisps…”
“Two, Steve…”
“Two?”
“I’m not entirely irresponsible…”
“And decided…”
“Prawn cocktail…”
“To go surfing…”
“And sweet chilli…”
“In a four foot swell…”
“If memory serves…”
“How’d that work out, Tim?”
“I got into…”
“Yes?”
“Difficulties.”
“Difficulties?”
“Yes.”
“You nearly drowned, mate.”
“That rip was a tad…”
“You were halfway…”
“Lively…”
“To France…”
“I was not!”
“Crying like a baby…”
“That’s a lie…”
“Who rescued you, Tim?”
“I’d have made it back…”
“Who rescued you?”
“On my own…”
“Who?”
“The RNLI, Steve.”
“The RNLI, Tim.”
“But…”
“And did they judge you?”
“No…”
“Did they determine whether you were worthy…”
“Well…”
“Of saving…”
“They assisted my return…”
“Before they hauled your sorry ass…”
“To shore…”
“On board?”
“No.”
“Exactly.”
“OK…”
“You were a person in need of help, Tim…”
“I was…”
“And they help people…”
“Grateful for…”
“In need of help…”
“Their assistance…”
“At sea…”
“It’s true…”
“Wherever they’re from.”
“Right…”
“Even if they’ve had five pints…”
“Point made…”
“Of scrumpy…”
“And two packs…”
“They don’t take photos of you…”
“Of crisps…”
“Sobbing…”
“Eh?”
“Crawling round the beach…”
“A momentary loss of balance…”
“On all fours…”
“Nothing more…”
“Throwing your ring up…”
“I was clearing my throat…”
“And post them to all your mates.”
“Of seaweed…”
“That was me.”
“I’m sorry??”
“I did that.”
“You…”
“Let me get you a pint…”
“Bastard…”
“By way of apology…”
“A pint??”
“Several pints…”
“At least…”
“OK…”
“And sweet chilli crisps, Steve…”
“Scrumpy, Tim?”
“I don’t know about that…”
“It’ll be fine, mate…”
“Er, you sure…?”
“We’re seventy miles inland.”
