Continuing the conversation between Tim and Steve. If you enjoy this, it’s worth catching up on the first 21 installments via Steve’s author page.
“What you doing, Tim?”
“What’s it look like?”
“Well…”
“I’m digging a trench, Steve.”
“OK…”
“Because we need to be ready…”
“For?”
“For war, mate.”
“Really?”
“All the wars.”
“All of them??”
“Yes.”
“Like…?”
“There’s Voldemort, for starters…”
“Sorry?”
“He’s attacking the cranes…”
“Er…”
“And you know how I feel about wildlife…”
“Yes…”
“He’s got…”
“But…”
“To be stopped…”
“Voldemort?”
“That’s the fella.”
“The fictional character…”
“Out of Harry Potter, yes.”
“Right…”
“A nasty piece of work…”
“So, Tim…”
“But you don’t need me…”
“How’s he starting…”
“To tell you that.”
“A war?”
“Well, I’m a bit vague…”
“Uh-huh…”
“On the details…”
“Surprise me…”
“But it’s out east…”
“Oh?”
“Near the Black Baltics…”
“Where?”
“Surgical knows all about it…”
“Surgical?”
“Truss.”
“I see.”
“Mate of Spaffa’s…”
“Now it makes sense….”
“She says Voldemort…”
“Vladimir…”
“Is planning to attack…”
“Putin…”
“The cranes…”
“Ukraine…”
“And they’re endangered already, Steve.”
“It ain’t going to happen, Tim.”
“Spaffa’s out there himself…”
“Two unpopular leaders…”
“Laying the law down…”
“Distracting from domestic failings…”
“Operation Big Dog…”
“By posturing…”
“In full effect…”
“On the international stage…”
“Saving the cranes…”
“To save their skins.”
“You’re very cynical, Steve…”
“It’s the Falklands all over…”
“I agree, mate.”
“You do?”
“That’s why…”
“Blimey.”
“I’m digging this trench…”
“Er…”
“Before the Argies arrive.”
“Oh boy.”
“Speak softly, Steve…”
“Right…”
“And carry a big stick.”
“And that is a big stick, Tim…”
“It is.”
“But not much use…”
“I’m not allowed proper weapons…”
“Against Voldemort…”
“Since Cassandra took out…”
“Or the Argentinians…”
“The injunction.”
“Is it?”
“But…”
“Yes?”
“There’s the other wars.”
“What other wars?”
“The war against…”
“Go on…”
“The woke folk…”
“Good grief…”
“Foreigners in boats…”
“You’re kidding…”
“The chatterati…”
“Who are…?”
“And all the other pastas…”
“Hmmmm…”
“We need to defend Spaffa…”
“We really don’t, mate…”
“By whatever means necessary…”
“Oh, Tim…”
“He’s doing his best…”
“For himself, yes…”
“And if we don’t stand up…”
“Are you, Tim…?”
“For what’s right…”
“Because you’re in a trench…”
“It’s going to be…”
“And you only come up to my knees.”
“Just like…”
“Like what, mate?”
“The Weimaraner Republic.”
“You mean Weimar…”
“No, Steve…”
“Late 1920s Germany…”
“I mean Weimaraner…”
“You don’t…”
“Because this country’s going…”
“Please don’t say…”
“To the dogs…”
“To the dogs…”
“Spaffa even had to deploy…”
“More barefaced lies…?”
“Mad Morris last night…”
“Ah. Less barefaced…”
“And even she couldn’t sort it…”
“More shitfaced…”
“We need…”
“What?”
“War.”
“What is it good for?”
“Huh?”
“Absolutely nothing…”
“Say it again…?”
“Ain’t nothing but a heartbreaker…”
“Hold on…”
“Friend only to the undertaker…”
“Are you quoting…”
“It’s an enemy…”
“Edwin Starr…”
“To all mankind…”
“At me?”
“Ten out of ten, mate.”
“It’s a great tune, Steve.”
“It’s a great tune, Tim.”
“Thinking about it…”
“Go on…”
“It’s thirsty work…”
“Yes?”
“Digging this trench…”
“You mean…”
“It might be time…”
“For a pint, Tim…?”
“Absolutely.”
“Good idea, fella…”
“Fighting for freedom…”
“Lord knows…”
“Is all very well…”
“There’s got to be a better way…”
“Was that…?”
“Yes, Tim?”
“Edwin again?”
“It was…”
“He had some words, didn’t he?”
“He did, mate…”
“Shall we…?”
“Lets get you…”
“Come on, then…”
“Out of this trench…”
“And go for that pint…”
“Oh yes.”
“Happy days, Steve.”
“Happy days, indeed.”
