The Conservative Party leadership campaign reveals a party whose continued relevance exists largely in a virtual parallel universe on X (formerly Twitter), on Telegram or in Facebook groups where the people speak a distorted version of English. The new Tory lexicon contains a strange fusion of American alt-right jargon and Empire-era jingoism, combined with an obsessive phobia of North London and a newly found passion for a remote group of islands in the Indian Ocean.
Tory parallel universe
Robert Jenrick reads from a Nigel Farage script decrying the “Metropolitan establishment” and “North London diplomatic elites”, and seeks to promote “English identity”, while Kemi Badenoch is often described an “anti-woke warrior” who has declared war on “snowflakes” and actually managed to get endorsed by Britain First when she last made a bid for the leadership just two years ago.
But those in the dwindling party membership who haven’t yet skulked off to Reform UK Ltd are often disciples of this creed and it is to this group that the candidates are trying to appeal. Assuming no-one steps down from the final two, as Andrea Leadsom did in 2016, the party members will choose the next leader in November.
Described by a fellow MP at the outset of the race as a pack of “quite average greyhounds”, the contenders for the crown were James Cleverly, Tom Tugendhat, Kemi Badenoch, Robert Jenrick, Priti Patel and Mel Stride.
Patel fell first followed by Stride, leaving Tugendhat trailing with just 20 MPs backing him. He was once thought of as quite a sensible politician until, in a move to appeal to the party membership, he announced his willingness to leave the European Court of Human Rights and to slash immigration to unworkable levels. Convincing neither the right of the party nor the centrist factions (if any exist), he was eliminated in the third round.
Surprise defeat for Cleverly
Cleverly was said to have had a good party conference. But then that isn’t hard considering Jenrick accused the UK special forces of murder and Badenoch went after new mums before declaring that 50,000 civil servants should be in prison.
Of the remaining candidates, Cleverly was arguably the least odd. It’s true, he has a dodgy line in date-rape jokes, and it says something about the party you hope to lead when you have to make a plea for them to be ‘normal’, but his language is certainly more, let’s say, Anglo-Saxon than his challengers. He called the Rwanda policy “batshit” and was accused of describing Stockton North as a “shithole” in parliament.
He has revealed what some may call a flawed judgment of character. He was a Boris Johnson ally since his days at the London Assembly. No metaphors have been employed to state that he replaced Johnson on the board for recycling waste in 2010. He also supported Liz Truss in the 2022 race to top.
He called for unity, relatability and smiles.
The membership would have hated it. He’s out.
Lacking wider appeal, the remaining Tory party leader hopefuls are forced to focus their efforts on the concerns of a diminishing and unrepresentative minority.
So Jenrick and Badenoch it is!
‘Honest Bob’ Jenrick
Jenrick is nicknamed ‘Honest Bob’ after being caught up in a cash for favours row with former pornographer, publisher, and business owner Richard Desmond in 2019. The latter encouraged Jenrick to act promptly so that “Marxists don’t get doe (sic) for nothing”. He was referring to Tower Hamlets Council.
In 2023 as immigration minister, Jenrick ordered murals of Mickey Mouse to be painted over at a reception centre for lone child refugees in Kent, some as young as nine.
More examples of child cruelty were revealed last week when he announced his daughter’s middle name is Thatcher.
Nicknamed Robert Generic he voted Remain in the Brexit referendum and was known as a moderate until he joined the Home Office under Suella Braverman. His lurch to the right reflects the general direction the Conservatives have taken and despite his claims to be willing to invite Farage to join the party, some colleagues worry he may try to veer back towards the centre if he beats Badenoch.
Badenoch the culture warrior
Badenoch is the real deal. A no-nonsense Brexit voting culture warrior. Tough-talking to some, arrogant to others, she has a reputation for being combative and aggressive with more than one colleague saying she’d cross the road to pick a fight.
Badenoch’s upfront behaviour leaves little to the imagination but her backers are eclectic to say the least. The last time she stood in 2022, aside from actual fascists (Britain First) she received the bizarre blessing of Florida’s Ron de Santis. This time around the poor woman has been backed by Chris Philps, Laura Trott and David Davis.
More worrying, however, is the financial backing she has received from life vice president and former chair of Tufton Street’s Institute of Economic Affairs, Neil Record. He is also the current chair of climate-science-denying Net Zero Watch and a co-founder and ex-director of Restore Trust, the strange interest group trying to turn the public against the National Trust.
Badenoch has decided that although she believes in climate change she is net zero sceptic.
If she starts attacking the scones in the National Trust tearooms, we’ll all know why.
Badenoch, who expressed outrage at Keir Starmer’s use of a donor’s home for political purposes, is running her campaign from Record’s home.
Nail-biting finish
All will be revealed, to those who care, on 2 November. The party is out of government and out of control.
Despite the gleeful appearances at conference last week, they could be in the wilderness for years if they don’t forsake the hard-man image and clickbait politics which, in a desperate attempt to out-Farage Farage, will utterly alienate the typical voter. With Badenoch and Jenrick on the menu, that’s unlikely to happen.
Cleverly appeared to have understood this, but the grip the membership has on the party may well doom it for years.
That’s some much-needed good news for Labour and let’s face it, a gift they’ll be happy to declare.
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