“Hello, you’re through to our helpline!”
“Thank god!”
“How may we be of service today?”
“It’s my operating system…”
“Yes?”
“I think it’s corrupted.”
“OK, we can help with that.”
“Great.”
“This is usually a simple fix, sir…”
“Really?”
“Let’s just run through a few checks…”
“Right…”
“And see where that gets us.”
“Perfect, thanks.”
“So, which operating system are you using?”
“Parliamentary Democracy.”
“That’s one of our most popular systems…”
“I know…”
“So what seems to be the problem?”
“Well, it’s always been a bit clunky…”
“OK…”
“But then it refused to work with the Transparency app…”
“Did you try running Accountability?”
“I did.”
“And?”
“It’s decided not to recognise it.”
“OK…”
“That’s when I began getting concerned, to be honest.”
“This does happen occasionally, sir…”
“It does?”
“Unfortunately, yes. But it’s usually fixed…”
“Yes?”
“By debugging with Effective Opposition…”
“Er.…”
“Have you tried that?”
“Yes.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“I just get an error message…”
“Can you read it for me?”
“Effective Opposition is reconfiguring…”
“That’s normal.”
“For over a year?”
“Ah.”
“It doesn’t respond, move, do anything.”
“I can see that may be frustrating…”
“Last month it was 43% reconfigured.”
“I see.”
“Now it’s down to 36%…”
“Hmmm.”
“It won’t shut down..”
“Uh-huh.”
“But it’s utterly useless.”
“Don’t worry, sir, we still have options.”
“We do?”
“Oh yes. Now, before we go any further…”
“Yes?”
“Can you confirm your user name?”
“United Kingdom.”
“UK?”
“Right.”
“Just bringing up your details now…”
“I’ve been with you quite a while.”
“When did you last update your system, sir?”
“Er…”
“Don’t worry if you can’t remember…”
“1969, maybe?”
“I can bring it up on the screen…"
“I keep meaning to update, but…”
“Ah, yes. ’69.”
“Life just gets in the way…”
“Hmmmm… Looks like ‘69 was a plug-in…”
“It was?”
“You’re running a very old version…”
“I am?”
“Your last full update was…”
“Go on…”
“Whoah! 1928!!”
“Really??”
“You’re running a very early model here…”
“It worked OK…”
“A crude FPTP patch on the old Limited Suffrage scaffold…”
“Is that bad?”
“We don’t see this much nowadays…”
“Oh.”
“Most users have moved on…”
“They have?”
“To updated versions of Representative Democracy…”
“Really?”
“Which fix many of the early flaws you’re dealing with.”
“I see.”
“I have to ask…”
“Yes?”
“Are you sure you want to stay with FPTP?”
“Well…”
“This could be a good time to completely re-vamp…”
“I don’t know…”
“No?”
“I’m a bit long in the tooth…”
“Never too old…”
“To learn a new system.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah…”
“OK, let’s check our options, sir.”
“I just want it to work…”
“Here we go!”
“Yes?”
“Have you tried installing and running…”
“Go on…”
“The Peaceful Protest app?”
“Tried it on Saturday.”
“And?”
“The operating system shut it down…”
“Oh.”
“The Authority and Police apps kicked in…”
“That’s not good…”
“And now I get a pop-up screen…”
“You do?”
“If I try to run it.”
“What’s it say?”
“As of March 16, this operating system…”
“Uh-huh…”
“Will no longer recognise Peaceful Protest…”
“Oh dear.”
“Attempts to run Peaceful Protest may result…”
“Yes?”
“In removal of user privileges.”
“Hmmmm.”
“Hmmmm?”
“That really isn’t good.”
“That’s what I thought…”
“Peaceful Protest is one of our backstop options…”
“Which is why I rang you.”
“When that doesn’t work…”
“Yes?”
“The corruption may be irreversible.”
“Really?”
“I’m sorry.”
“So what do I do?”
“Well…”
“Can you help?”
“Have you tried switching the system off and back on again?”
“Will it work?”
“It might.”
“And if it doesn’t?”
“Will any of the neighbours let you piggyback their system?”
“We’re not really getting on…”
“Oh.”
“It’s a long story…”
“Might be a good time to build bridges, sir.”
“Not sure that’s an option right now, to be honest.”
“OK…”
“So what can I do?”
“Switch the system off, as I mentioned…”
“And?”
“Switch it back on again…”
“Right…”
“Being sure to activate the ‘force Accountability’ option.”
“And if that doesn’t fix it?”
“Take off and nuke the entire site from orbit, sir.”
“Really??”
“It’s the only way to be sure.”
