A Swahili proverb, “Fisi akiwa hakimu, mbuzi ana haki,” translates as “If a hyena is the judge, will the goat get justice?” Donald Trump came up with a lawsuit in which he is both the hyena and the goat: Trump tried to sue himself for $10bn. That’s right. Trump, the private citizen, wanted to sue Trump, the head of government, for $10bn – specifically to sue the IRS. Trump’s personal lawyers would go to court against Trump’s Department of Justice (DOJ), headed by the acting attorney general who used to be Trump’s personal lawyer. If Trump succeeded against Trump, American taxpayers would be the goats with $10bn of their tax dollars going to the hyena-in-chief.
Out of curiosity, I asked Ms. Google to find out how many suitcases it would take to contain $10bn. She told me 2000-5000 large check-in suitcases to hold that amount of $100 bills. And they would weigh about 100 metric tonnes. That would require at least ten 10-tonne lorries to haul the loot off to Mar-a-Lago. But no, Trump promised to donate the entire $10bn to charity. Sure.
Trump’s ‘Get out of jail free’ card
When Trump finally realised the lawsuit against himself would fail, he dropped it, with the proviso that the government is “forever barred and precluded” from examining his tax returns. In effect, the hyena-in chief has pardoned himself, his family and their businesses for any past tax crimes.
Instead, his DOJ will set up an “Anti-Weaponization Fund” with $1.776bn (in honour of America’s 250th anniversary?) to compensate victims of DOJ’s “weaponization and lawfare” (not warfare), presumably during the Biden administration. Trump’s acting attorney general (former personal lawyer) will appoint the commissioners, who will not have to disclose the process or dollar amount of awards, or be subject to any review process. Critics have called it a Trump ‘slush fund’, most likely going to January 6 insurrectionists, Proud Boys and Oath Keepers, and rewarding loyal felons. Trump could not personally make a claim (perish the thought.) But it wouldn’t prevent those who get big settlements from quietly ‘donating’ the proceeds to Trump’s favourite charity – himself. In any case, taxpayers will still be the goats.
Two days later, police officers who were attacked on January 6 filed a lawsuit to block the fund. Call it the anti-Anti-Weaponization suit.
No such thing as a free gift
You remember that ‘gift’ to Trump of a $400mn luxury Boeing 747 from Qatar? Trump says it’s not personal. Rather it will be a presidential Air Force One while he’s in office. Then when Trump leaves (if he leaves office), the government will generously donate it to the Trump library. To retrofit this $400mn ‘gift’ to presidential security standards, US goats will plunk down an estimated $1bn, give or take. But we shouldn’t look a gift plane in the cockpit.
Or how about the big, beautiful ballroom (BBB) that will replace what used to be the East Wing of the White House, before Trump demolished it? It’s the size of one and a half football fields (of any denomination), greater than the rest of the White House combined. People at one end of the BBB won’t be able to make out the faces of those at the other end without binoculars. Trump initially announced that the BBB would cost $200mn. Then it became $300mn and now $400mn, but it was all funded by donations from fellow hyenas. No problem: let’s ignore that some of those hyenas have business with Trump’s government.
But now Trump needs the goats to fork over $1bn for ‘security’. Congress has not approved it…so far. I wonder how many hard-working, tax-paying goats will get invited to the insecure BBB for a banquet? My guess – just a guess – is that the hyena-in-chief will mostly host billionaire hyenas, wannabe hyenas and foreign hyenas whooping it up. That’s the sound hyenas make – whoop…whoop. They used to hang out around my outhouse when I lived near the Serengeti.
Monumentally bad taste
What about the Reflecting Pool in The Mall between the Lincoln Memorial and Washington Monument? Trump said he talked to one of his swimming pool guys who said it could be renovated for $1.5-$2mn. This particular ‘swimming pool’ is 619m by 51m with a depth of 46cm to 76cm. The government awarded a $6.9mn no-bid contract to Atlantic Industrial Coatings. Checking the company’s web site, they do culverts, pipes, roofing and “containment liners for chemical and water storage,” not pools. Containment liners? Close enough. Any pal of the swimming pool guy is good enough for Trump. The cost to goats has jumped to $13.1mn.
And now something new to look forward to – the 250-foot (76m) Triumphal Arch: for comparison, the Arc de Triomphe in Paris is 49m tall. This ‘Arc de Trump’ is planned for construction on Columbia Island, by the bridge that connects the Lincoln Memorial and Arlington National Cemetery. Trump wrote it will be “the GREATEST and MOST BEAUTIFUL Triumphal Arch, anywhere in the World.” Initial estimated cost is $15mn. It was approved by the Commission of Fine Arts – all commissioners being Trump appointees, and work has already begun.
Unconstitutional behaviour
Let’s not get into Trump’s ‘normal’ recurrent costs like his jaunts to play golf. So far in his second term it has cost goats $101.2mn. During his first term, Trump hit the links 261 times over his 208 weeks in office.
Last, but far from least, is Trump as snake-oil salesman. Selected merch you can buy at the Trump Store (no joke) include: Trump airplane tumbler $42, Trump hat $55, Trump hoodie $85, Trump pickle ball paddle $180, Trump vest $185, Trump blanket $200 and, best of all, the Trump “God Bless the USA” bible for $59.99.
Article II, Section 1, Clause 7 of the Constitution states the president will receive compensation for his services (salary) and forbids him from receiving “any other emolument…” – outside income or gift.
When Trump took the oath of office for the second time in January 2025, Forbes estimates his net worth stood at $2.3bn. As of March 2026, the estimate had risen to $6.5bn.
The art of the grift
I first wrote about Trump in February 2016 when it appeared he might become a serious Republican candidate. I labelled him a bigot, a bully, a buffoon and a bamboozler. He has not yet proven me wrong. Who is this guy? The apparent narcissism and pathological lying, the vindictiveness, the impulsive and erratic behaviour. Once again Ms. Google led me to the characteristics of a sociopath. Trump would seem to tick all the boxes. It would explain a lot, but I think he might possibly have learned to be a hyena at home. I can imagine his German-American granddaddy hyena Friedrich Trumpf – draft dodger, restaurant-brothel owner, gold trader, land speculator – could have taught his son Fred, who taught his son Donald in turn, to lie, cheat, steal; whatever it takes.
History will show that Trump is not only America’s worst president (so far!) but also the most corrupt. Next year when us American goats fill out our IRS 1040 tax return, let’s give three goat bleats – maa-aa…maa-aa…maa-aa – to the hyena-in-chief: for he’s a jolly good grifter, which nobody can deny.
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