On 15 January 2024, my amazing wife died of sepsis after battling against oesophageal cancer. In my article about Mental Health Awareness Week, I used my own story of how I reacted soon after her death as an example. With men’s mental health a very important topic and something which (to this day) is rarely discussed, I felt it important to be open about my progress, the pitfalls along the way and the person I would like to become.
Ice hockey, archery, poetry, sign language, continuing with my Spanish, reading more, indulging in my love of cinema, going to the theatre more, reigniting my interests in chess and photography, going to as many amazing experiences and live events as I can and taking occasional holidays. These are just some of the things I’ve been doing since my wife died. All great ways of getting me out of bed, filling up my time and putting a smile on my face.
However, I cannot ignore the mental health side. I may be more self-aware and reflective but, as a man, I need to still put time into confronting some deep-rooted issues.
Men still need to open up more
A report from 2019 found that while more men feel comfortable in seeking help, there is still a significant increase in the numbers of men experiencing problems. Also, while 12.5% of men have a mental health disorder, that is only the known cases. Many men don’t seek some form of help and continue to internalise their feelings.
There may be a benefit to professional help, but that doesn’t have to be the only way. I have found great benefit in opening up to family and close friends. I have been out on occasional walks with Mental Health Mates and early on I regularly joined online meetings organised by Widowed & Young. I have also opened up to people through performing my poetry at Away With Words Hull.
The key is to not keep everything to yourself. Otherwise feelings can fester and can lead to extreme behaviours. As an example, three quarters of suicides in the UK are men.
A work in progress
I did say I would be brutally honest.
If you aren’t self-aware and honest about where you are, it is impossible to make any meaningful progress.
I am not the person I was when my wife was alive. I am also nowhere near who I want to be. I am in some sort of middle state – not a place I want to be in.
George Orwell once said that, “the essence of being human is that one does not seek perfection”.
Well, I am not perfect, and never have been. I know I won’t be in the future either. I just want to make progress and evolve. I have made changes, and I am better to a certain extent, but there is still much work to do. I have also discovered a bit of a disconnect between what I’ve been thinking about myself and other people’s perceptions of me.
Analysing myself
I believe that I:
- am an overthinker. In some ways this can be helpful, but not when a significant portion of my mind has worst case scenarios which often don’t happen.
- have a big fear of missing out, which started last year but, in reality, is as a result of decades of not spending money on experiences that everyone else has had.
- have been a pushover for my entire life, letting people walk over me and not letting my voice be heard.
- find it difficult to relax. I always have to be doing something, which can lead to tiredness and stress. I have started to put more rest into my day, but this needs to continue if it is to become effective.
- have only shown a limited ability to make myself happy – not a good quality and shows a lack of independence. I play chess at the library, go to the gym regularly, have occasional walks and there’s the sign language course, but I need to do more.
Listening to other viewpoints
I have also been told I show signs of having a hero complex (also known as the saviour complex). This is a willingness to help/save in almost every situation, having a misplaced sense of responsibility and generally overstepping. This is completely unintentional and based on behaviours that were acceptable to my wife over the entire time that I was with her. However, she is no longer here, and others see it differently. I need to help only when asked and take a step back.
After reflection, I can see that point of view, and I am willing to adapt in order to keep the things which are important to me. This is not the same as me being a pushover. I have prioritised, identified it as a key component of the person I want to be and have made the final decision on my own. This is me being an adult.
I have also historically been typecast as the ‘nice guy’. When I was younger, this was considered a good thing. However, I often hear sayings such as ‘nice guys finish last’. The ‘nice’ I have been for most of my life is too polite, deferential and likely to allow people to get away with saying anything. Although I was like that while married, I accepted it because she loved me, and I didn’t see the need to change. Now I need to be a different ‘nice’. Polite, but also honest about how I feel and responding when I feel people have got it wrong.
Moving forward
Many of the choices I’ve made and the choices I will make are as a result of the death of my wife. A tangential link perhaps, but still a link. So, grief will always be a part of me.
However, I don’t want to be known as ‘Dave the widower’. I want to be someone with their own identity and interests. I want my voice to be heard and to get the things I want out of life, while also being there for the people I care about. I want to be able to deal with my fear of missing out by accepting that things will happen, but that not everything will happen right away.
I will always have an element of people-pleasing about me, but I need to realise it’s impossible to please everyone and you shouldn’t try to. I have sacrificed parts of my identity by going down this path and I need to work on changing that.
As I said, I’m not perfect and I accept that I will get some things wrong along the way. Actions have consequences. Where that happens I need to take time, think carefully and work out the best way to make amends. In this new life I’m building I need to find a balance between being a strong version of myself and appreciating the views of others.
The importance of being honest with yourself
For those of you out there (especially the men) who are dealing with mental health difficulties, maybe you’ll recognise some of the things that you’ve read in this article. I also hope that by me being so open, you will see it’s ok to share and ok to be honest about where you are in life.
Without honesty with others and yourself, you cannot move forward and be who you want to be.
