Continuing the conversation between Tim and Steve. If you enjoy this, it’s worth catching up on the first 22 installments via Steve’s author page.
“What you reading, Tim?”
“Racing Post, mate.”
“Because…?”
“Because I’m studying form, Steve.”
“Really?”
“Form, riders, stables, trainers…”
“I see…”
“It’s fascinating stuff…”
“If you say so…”
“Apparently…”
“Go on…”
“Horses have their own language…”
“You don’t say…”
“I mean, who knew?”
“All animals do, Tim.”
“You what?”
“All animals do.”
“They all speak horse?”
“No…”
“Why would an albatross…”
“You misunderstand…”
“Speak horse, Steve?”
“All animals…”
“That makes no sense…”
“Have their own…”
“When would they ever need…”
“Means of communicating…”
“To have a natter…?”
“Within their species…”
“Oi, horse! Welcome to the south Atlantic…”
“And, perhaps, some understanding…”
“Going soft, lots of squid…”
“Of other species…”
“Watch out for the longlines…”
“In their immediate environment…”
“Not going to happen, is it?”
“No, Tim.”
“I’m right, aren’t I?”
“You are absolutely right.”
“Thank you.”
“No problem…”
“Takes a big man to admit…”
“Glad we’ve cleared it up…”
“They’re wrong, Steve…”
“So…”
“Yes?”
“Why are you studying form?”
“Betting, mate…”
“You sure that’s…”
“Or rather, I’m choosing…”
“A wise move, Tim?”
“To invest my money…”
“Oh dear…”
“In on-track activities.”
“Racing?”
“Yes.”
“And are they coming in?”
“Who?”
“Your horses.”
“Horse, mate.”
“I’m sorry?”
“One horse.”
“What?”
“Horse, singular.”
“You’ve lost me…”
“It’s simple, Steve…”
“It is??”
“I’m betting on the same horse…”
“Er…”
“In every race.”
“That’s a very special horse, Tim…”
“She is.”
“To run in every race…”
“Sunlit Uplands…”
“I’m not entirely sure…”
“She’s a 2 year old…”
“However good she is…”
“Sired by Misplaced Anger…”
“That it makes a whole lot…”
“Out of Imperial Nostalgia…”
“Of sense…”
“She’s a great prospect…”
“If I’m honest…”
“Everyone’s talking about her…”
“Has she won?”
“Not yet.”
“Been placed?”
“Not exactly.”
“So…?”
“She didn’t turn up.”
“You mean she didn’t perform on the day?”
“No, Steve. I mean she didn’t turn up.”
“Really?”
“No-one’s seen her.”
“At all?”
“No.”
“Ever?”
“Nope.”
“Sounds a bit iffy, Tim…”
“She’s a surefire winner…”
“You sure?”
“Yep.”
“So this horse…”
“Sunlit Uplands…”
“You’ve never seen her…”
“Correct…”
“You’ve no proof she exists….”
“None whatsoever, Steve…”
“But you’re pouring your hard-earned cash…”
“That’s the one…”
“Into backing her?”
“Absolutely.”
“How’s that working out for you, Tim?”
“Well…”
“Do tell…”
“The short-term impact…”
“Uh-huh…”
“On my cash flow…”
“Yes…”
“Has tended toward the negative…”
“You’re skint?”
“But I just need to keep the faith…”
“Oh Tim…”
“Keep trusting Smug.”
“Smug?”
“Mate of Spaffa’s.”
“Er…”
“You must know him…”
“No…”
“Smug.”
“Never heard of him…”
“Coppery Smug.”
“Minor character in Lord of the Rings?”
“No.”
“Ran in the 2.15 at Kempton?”
“Don’t be daft, Steve.”
“Then…?”
“Thin bloke… glasses…”
“Ah!”
“Know him?”
“Jacob!”
“That’s what I’ve been saying…”
“You have?”
“Jay Coppery Smug…”
“Watch out for him, Tim…”
“Why?”
“He’s a snake oil salesman…”
“But I haven’t got a snake, Steve…”
“No…”
“And if I had…”
“You’re missing…”
“I wouldn’t oil it…”
“The point here…”
“I remember the bike chain…”
“Sorry?”
“I didn’t oil it for years…”
“But…”
“Then you said….”
“Hold on…”
“That needs oiling, Tim…”
“Just a moment…”
“I oiled it…”
“Well, it needed oiling…”
“Next day, it fell apart…”
“You’re putting…”
“Which is why…”
“The cart…”
“I don’t trust experts.”
“Before the horse, here…”
“There was no horse, Steve…”
“Confusing correlation…”
“It was a bike…”
“With causation…”
“Which is why I’m not going to oil…”
“Give me strength…”
“The snake I haven’t got…”
“That chain was held together…”
“Whatever you and Smug say…”
“By memory and rust…”
“And I don’t think that’s…”
“Look, Tim…”
“An unreasonable position.”
“If you finish your pint…”
“I haven’t got a pint, Steve…”
“At the same time…”
“Just as I haven’t got this snake …”
“As my phone rings…”
“You keep banging on about…”
“Then do you finish your pint…”
“Which I haven’t got either…”
“Because my phone rings…?”
“A man could die of thirst here…”
“Did my phone ring…”
“Waiting…”
“Because you finished your pint…?”
“Could be…”
“Or were they independent events…”
“You could be in the bogs…”
“Happening at the same time…”
“And I’ve finished my pint…”
“Without either causing…”
“And it’s your round…”
“The other…”
“And I’m ringing to tell you.”
“Bit unlikely, Tim.”
“There’s one way to settle this, Steve…”
“Which is…?”
“A couple of pints in the King & Gibbet…”
“I see…”
“Your shout, of course…”
“Of course…”
“And I’ll nip into the bookies…”
“Really?”
“On the way…”
“Do you have to…?”
“Sunlit Uplands, mate, 50p to win.”
