A wet nerd in a wet suit drowned out by protesters, saying stuff no one can hear that doesn’t make any difference. I wish I could think of metaphors like that. Drowning in more ways than one; no one could hear but they’d heard it all before anyway.
Thank God for portable PAs, I say. Without the Benny Hill theme and Things Can Only Get Better, we’d be left with just bots, prats and publicists.
Reassuringly, the sound techs looked like every roadie I’ve ever seen, minus a tatty t-short from an ageing heavy metal act. Fortunately, they didn’t have to rush around to find a missing cable, they were ready to go.
One suspects the Tories might envy them.
Who will be our next prime minister?
One theory proffered by the BBC’s Chris Mason during the inevitable scuttlebutt of speculation as they were waiting for the PM to emerge, is that the incumbent holds the element of surprise.
When Keir Starmer responded from wherever he was, he was in a panelled room, dry, with Union Flags either side of him. He gave a measured speech which outlined a (clearly prepared) three-point plan. He mentioned people’s mortgages. He mentioned clean energy. He mentioned crime, security, the full bit you expect.
The PM had talked about Eat Out To Help Out, Covid…er… Ukraine and a load of stuff that was drowned out by chanting and music from Whitehall. Just the sort of thing Suella Braverman had in mind when defending free speech by banning noisy protests.
The same sort of anti-protest legislation the High Court had ruled unlawful only yesterday.
Things can only get better
Starmer mentioned the words ‘Tory chaos’ at least four times. He ended the speech straight to camera. When the PM had finished, all you could think about was the state of his suit. A plan for the future? He hadn’t even planned for the weather.
If he’d looked at his weather, or even out of the window, you’d have thought someone might have gone “Won’t it look a bit shit trying to look presidential while being drenched?” As someone claiming to be a football fan, couldn’t he remember Steve ‘Wally-With-A-Brolly’ McLaren?
Ed Davey, for the Lib-Dems looked ready: he’d rustled up a few supporters to stand behind him with placards. Their performance in the local elections was largely overlooked, except perhaps by Tories in previously safe seats.
The SNP’s John Swinney had been, not for the first time, caught on the hop near a lift, but even he had the sense to stay in the dry.
Pathetic fallacy
The easy gag would be to say that the PM lacked conviction. If only a few of his MPs had avoided conviction, he might have stood more of an earthly chance. As it was (and conveniently for those of a poetic or dramatic leaning), pathetic fallacy held sway.
In the end, one of these people looked like a prime minister.
And their suit hadn’t been ruined.
CLICK HERE TO DONATE TO OUR CROWDFUNDER
HELP US BECOME STRONGER SO THAT WE CAN CONTINUE TO DELIVER POWERFUL CITIZEN JOURNALISM!
