Last week, in an attempt to demonstrate that ‘integrity’ and ‘accountability’ aren’t just team names on The Apprentice, the prime minister finally sacked Nadhim Zahawi for his tax-avoidance ‘carelessness’. It took Rishi Sunak so long because the NHS backlog means there’s currently a two-year waiting list for locating one’s backbone. But, after being offshored, Zahawi’s response demonstrated that not only was he careless, he was also graceless too.
In a petulant letter, Zahawi failed to apologise or acknowledge that he had done anything wrong whatsoever, instead boasting about his achievements in office, which apparently were: helping with the period of national mourning for the queen; and the vaccine rollout. The vaccine has so many ex-government officials now claiming credit for it – Boris Johnson, Matt Hancock, Nadhim Zahawi – you’d think they’d delivered all the jabs personally. Zahawi of course failed to mention the NHS staff who had actually done the work.
Zahawi also described how he had “arrived in this country fleeing persecution and speaking no English” but had gone on to “serve in some of the highest offices in government”, adding that he believed that “in no other country on earth would my story be possible”. Indeed, but it won’t be possible for much longer if the home secretary, Suella Braverman, gets her way.
(Reputational) rehab
Speaking of the Rwanda-loving home secretary, if her experience is anything to go by, Zahawi shouldn’t lose hope of getting back into government. After all, Braverman was rehabilitated a mere six days after her own breach of the ministerial code. And indeed, we have seen a whole bunch of attempted reputational rehabs in the last few days, the most edifying of which was the ‘evidence’ the Daily Telegraph presented to prove that Prince Andrew couldn’t have sexually assaulted Virginia Giuffre in the way she described.
Much of the Telegraph’s front page was taken up by a photo of two people sitting in a bath, with their faces covered by pieces of paper featuring photos of Andrew and Giuffre. Apparently the legal team of convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell wanted to “show that the bathtub was too small for the pair to have fitted into”, despite the photo literally demonstrating the opposite.
Also continuing his rehab – and I say no, no, no – is Johnson, who has been telling stories again. Johnson revealed the shocking news that Vladimir Putin had threatened him, saying that it would “only take a minute”. The most shocking thing is that it sounds like Putin is a fan of Take That, or at least their Russian tribute act. In addition to their chart debut It Only Takes A Minute (To Kill A Western Leader In A Missile Attack), their hits include (I Want Ukraine) Back For Good, and Never Forget (I Can Despatch A Hit Squad Anywhere In The World Armed With Radioactive Material Or Nerve Gas).
The ghost of crises past
And with the economy shrinking faster than Sunak’s trousers, the government has been unveiling plans to get things moving again. Michael Gove has been promising to bring “the spirit of Thatcherism” to the north, which sounds exciting until you remember that we haven’t recovered from the last time yet. It may have been forty years, but for many north of Watford that particular spirit means the sound of clanking chains.
Four Es a jolly good fellow?
Meanwhile, the chancellor, Jeremy Hunt, has indicated that we just need “four Es to unlock our national potential”. To be fair, taking a few Es might be the best way to get through the next two years of the Conservative doom-spiral.
Oh, sorry, Hunt was actually talking about Education, Enterprise, and er… I dunno… some other stuff beginning with E. Let’s face it, it might as well have been recreational drugs for all the difference it will make.
Hunt is apparently hoping to try to get the ‘economically inactive’ back into work – people like Zahawi. No, of course not, he was talking about pensioners and the long-term sick. It comes to something when the economy is in such a state that the government is relying on the sick and old to try to clean up the mess. Even Marie Kondo would struggle with that. And what is the government going to do? Apply sanctions and cut their benefits to get them working again? Because they sure don’t seem interested in improving people’s wages.
What the Vnuk?
And as news came through that the UK is the worst performing economy in all developed nations – even worse than Russia – the government continues to pretend that Brexit is a roaring success. Jacob Rees-Mogg briefly emerged from his crypt to reveal some of the Brexit benefits in an interview this week. “I think Brexit is going well for a whole range of reasons,” he said. Oh yes? Do go on. “Insurance is cheaper because we’re no longer subject to the Vnuk regulation, which was an extra charge on insurance for lawnmowers”, he explained. Ah. I’m not sure that was top of anyone’s list at the referendum. Still, people knew what they were voting for, eh?
And finally, the latest sensible suggestion across the Telegraph’s masthead was “Bring back Boris – to lead NATO”. What with that and the bathtub headline, they’re really plumbing new depths. You have to ask: has someone at the paper been at the Es again? Then again, Johnson leading NATO might make more sense than you think. He’s always been one for conflicts of interest; now he could show his interest in conflicts.
