Score 1 point for every YES answer.
Are you a political cult member?
1 Do you routinely refer to your political leader by their first name? (Skip this if they actually know who you are and come round for tea a lot).
YES/NO
2 Do you join, get genuinely excited about and evangelise for a party that has no actual policies yet?
YES/NO
3 Do you dismiss any criticism of your leader, however slight, with the retort that they are merely ‘smears?’
YES/NO
4 Do you use vague, undefinable terms like ‘Establishment,’ ‘Deep State,’ ‘Neoliberalism,’ or ‘gatekeepers?”
YES/NO/YOU’RE ONE OF THEM, AREN’T YOU???????
5 Do you trust previously unknown sources on social media or a blog written in some stranger’s shed more than identifiable, legally accountable journalists on newspapers you don’t like?
YES/NO
6 Do you struggle to explain, as Year 8 pupils are asked to do, the difference between ‘bias’ and ‘lies?’
YES/NO
If NO, go on then. In a proper sentence with verbs and stuff.
7 Do you categorise everyone who disagrees with you in any way at all as either stupid, evil, or part of a sinister, omnipotent global conspiracy?
YES/NO
8 Do you, when challenged in an online argument, send people YouTube links?
YES/NO
9 Do you preface points in an argument with any of the following phrases?
I BET….. OBVIOUSLY……. THIS IS STRAIGHT FROM THE …PLAYBOOK
10 Do you have osteoarthritis in your right thumb?
YES/NO
How did you do?
Up to three points: How did you even find this survey? You’re usually too busy reading books, newspapers and talking to people in person.
Three to five points: You’re looking into the rabbit-hole but haven’t gone in yet because you’re waiting for your uniform/T-shirt/baseball cap to arrive. But you’re already an expert in climatology, macro-economics, epidemiology and the modus operandi of professional assassins.
Six to 15 points: You’re so far down the rabbit-hole you’ve developed a craving for carrots and a cute, fluffy tail.
15 points of more: Yeah, I know, I’m just an establishment shill who wants to force schoolkids to learn to read and stuff. Ya done got me. Skibidi.
*If you think the latter, you are certainly wrong, but never mind: You won’t have read this far down.
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