It’s a challenging sight for anyone who believes in common sense, to stroll through any UK town, city, or the countryside, and see the disabled, going about their lives in their wheelchairs, or maybe to see an economically inactive person, buying their avocadoes on toast and cappuccinos, living the life of Riley on the thousands of pounds a month we, the Great British public, throw at them.
I think we can all agree that the deplorable state of this kingdom has been partly caused by this cruel drain on the taxpayer.
Now, we want to float past you a consultation. We have brought the searing beam of our considerable intellects to rest on the problem of the disabled and what we propose to do about them.
The number of disabled is growing. PIP caseloads are now soaring uncontrollably as four million workshy types now are claiming PIP. Much of this is fuelled by an exponential rise in leftie lead-swingers.
To ensure the system is fair and compassionate – after all, here at Repatriate Britain we are known for our compassion and faith-inspired values – we have a practical remedy to propose, which would help us forge a fairer Britain for landlords, the wealthy and the beleaguered top 10% of society who need incentivising to continue growing the economy so that it continues to trickle down in the face of our less fiscally rewarding citizens.
We would like to target our help more effectively. And who do we have in our sights? You, the disabled public.
As a Man of the People, I would like to wage a relentless crackdown on economically inconvenient citizens. Our party would like to introduce a lengthy period of fear and economic uncertainty for the disabled, wondering whether they will lose their income and starve/end up in a hedgerow, for not being able to pay rent. And we’d also like to use the disabled as a sort of meat shield or distraction from other issues. The least they could do is actually serve as a distraction from the other policies we hope to implement.
It’s with this in mind, we Repatriaters – the backbone of Repatriate Britain’s movement – have a Modest Proposal.
A common-sense solution
Some other countries have systems that provide more tailored support to the disabled and we should look at that. Tailored to the need for governments to spend less money and eschewing the pernicious ideology of wokeism. A tailored approach could change the current system of PIP which has two layers, to one with zero layers. This would be much more useful, freeing up money to buy more flags and print a leaflet with the words of the national anthem on it, to be delivered to every household in Great Britain.
Our proposal is that instead of receiving this veritable fountain of money for feeling a bit down, those applying for PIP should be rounded up and sent to El Salvador and PIP should be ended. It makes sense for the taxpayer and this El Salvador idea would work very well pour encourager les autres. We see the electorate as crows and you have to hang the odd one from the fence, from time to time, so the others keep in line. The economically burdensome are the current recalcitrant crow we intend to nail to the sturdy oak of Repatriate PLC’s values.
With so many gaps in the workplace, is it time to either make the disabled get on their bikes and find work or syphon them off to foreign climes.
We have all faced life’s minor challenges. My wife once broke the heel of her Jimmy Choos and there was that dreadful occasion when one of her French tips almost fell off after she had to switch on a light, herself. A quick visit to Susan’s Beauty Bar in London soon set that straight but it was touch and go for a while. I myself, have faced many challenges in my life. I once had to go into a supermarket. And then there was that photo shoot where I had to go outside and point at a pothole, despite the pounding rain. I have even hidden the decent Chablis and held something called “a pint” for photo ops. My old pal from my Tory days, the Rt Hon Jacob Rees-Mogg, once came over so exhausted in the Commons after working so hard for his constituents that he had to have a lie down.
All of us have minor everyday difficulties in our lives. We don’t all expect to get paid thousands a week for them. I know Repatriate Britain MPs don’t. This is why we have second jobs. And get given very large gifts.
The benefits of fewer benefits
I can’t think of a single objection anybody could raise against our proposal. Admittedly, we have fallen short of our targets over the years, sometimes. Research has estimated that the rollout of the Coalition (austerity) government’s Work Capability Assessment programme was associated with around 590 additional suicides between 2010 and 2013. Of course, we need to work on those figures.
We feel we could set more ambitious goals to reduce the numbers of people claiming PIP by around a million by 2029 if we can up the ante. Ending PIP will save over 21 billion a year – as my new battle bus will shortly demonstrate. Giving the NHS the coup de grace is another whole battle bus slogan, of course.
For those on the lowest incomes, PIP can represent around a third of their income and without it – no food. As our voters think they’re the deserving poor, this can hardly matter as it won’t stop them voting for us when they think our DOGE-like cuts are only for others less deserving. It should be of no concern to the taxpayer, who would rather receive a small tax cut than see the disabled gorge themselves.
We just want to make the system more tailored, fairer and more responsive to the needs of our donors – those wealth-creating tech billionaires, who could really do with a little more help.
A wholly disinterested proposal
I promise sincerely that I have no self-interest in this issue. I have no other motive than the good of our country, advancing trade, giving tax breaks to the fabulously wealthy, helping the poor and disabled in a targeted way (they’re the target), and giving a warm, toasty glow to the able-bodied who can enjoy the fact they might never get hit by a tranquiliser dart and flown to El Salvador.
Common sense tells us the wokeist PIP claimants with their man buns, avocados and slightly perplexing everyday challenges will find there can be no more compassionate society than one which, having exhausted every means of helping them, finally relieves them of the burden of being helped at all.
Tarquin Featherstonehaugh-Cholmondley and Repatriate Britain are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to politicians or political parties, living or electorally challenged, is purely satirical.
With apologies to Jonathan Swift whose 1729 essay ‘A Modest Proposal’ inspired this piece.
Read the original ‘A Modest Proposal’ here.
Articles by Pen Hemingway
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