• Contact
  • About
  • Authors
DONATE
NEWSLETTER SIGN UP
  • Login
Yorkshire Bylines
  • Home
  • News
    • All
    • Brexit
    • Education
    • Environment
    • Health
    • Home Affairs
    • Transport
    • World
    Image of a baby deer

    Steer clear of baby deer!

    RAF Linton

    RAF Linton to house asylum seekers: what we know so far

    Prime Minister Johnson meets with Mary Lou McDonald of Sinn Fein

    Johnson returns from his Belfast train crash empty handed

    It began as a mistake

    Made a mistake? Simple: just deny it ever happened and make it again

    Working from home cartoon

    Working from home under attack by out-of-touch and out-of-date government

    image of carer and patient

    Government fails to support unpaid carers

    Image of oil rig

    Oil sticks: what’s behind the rising price of oil?

    Cartoon by Stan

    Refugees: what next after the Nationality and Borders Act?

    FOI request denied

    Freedom of information or denial of information?

    Trending Tags

    • Johnson
    • Coronavirus
    • Labour
    • Starmer
    • NI Protocol
    • Brexit
    • Culture
    • Education
    • Environment
    • Home Affairs
    • Transport
    • World
  • Politics
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
    • All
    • Culture
    • Dance
    • Food
    • Music
    • Poetry
    • Recipes
    • Sport
    Photo courtesy of the JORVIK Centre

    JORVIK Viking festival

    Image of Cragg Vale

    Norky’s Ramblings: a WARTS ramble in Cragg Vale

    Image of 'no racism' at cricket match

    Condoning racism in English cricket comes at a price: £50,000 to be exact

    Debbie Kurup as Star (centre) in The Cher Show, credit Pamela Raith

    The Cher Show: a truly believable show

    image of nadine dorries

    Dorries isn’t joking! Privatising Channel 4 will protect public service broadcasting

    Wild Fell by Lee Schofield

    Book Review: Wild Fell – Fighting for Nature on a Lake District Hill Farm, by Lee Schofield

    Coat of arms of Bulgaria

    Happy St George’s Day in Bulgaria!

    Chicken crossing the road

    Carry on spaffing: why did the chicken cross the road?

    Rotherham

    William Cowen and Yorkshire’s Changing Landscapes

    • Food
    • Music
    • Poetry
    • Sport
  • Business
    • All
    • Economy
    • Technology
    • Trade
    Food bank packing at the Cornerstone Community Centre in Newcastle-under-Lyme, by Staffs Live on Flikr

    Sooner rather than later – why the poorest households need help now

    Constructing houses

    Trouble in Happy Valley: Calderdale Council struggles to agree its local plan

    Cost of living crisis

    A government that’s out of touch and out of ideas

    Cost of living - a house, a piggy bank and a magnifying glass

    Cost-of-living crisis likely to escalate due to rising global consumption

    Driverless car

    How safe are driverless cars?

    Port of Dover, Eastern Docks, Customs Control

    Brexit border checks: better never than late?

    no money to spare

    Levelling down in North Yorkshire: local government reorganisation delivers greater Conservative control but no new money

    Unite the Union flags

    Workers at major housing association in Yorkshire considering strike action after ‘insulting’ pay offer

    Smart meter

    22 million people in the UK having to pay over 50 percent more for energy, as the price cap rises

    Trending Tags

      • Economy
      • Technology
      • Trade
    • Region
    No Result
    View All Result
    • Home
    • News
      • All
      • Brexit
      • Education
      • Environment
      • Health
      • Home Affairs
      • Transport
      • World
      Image of a baby deer

      Steer clear of baby deer!

      RAF Linton

      RAF Linton to house asylum seekers: what we know so far

      Prime Minister Johnson meets with Mary Lou McDonald of Sinn Fein

      Johnson returns from his Belfast train crash empty handed

      It began as a mistake

      Made a mistake? Simple: just deny it ever happened and make it again

      Working from home cartoon

      Working from home under attack by out-of-touch and out-of-date government

      image of carer and patient

      Government fails to support unpaid carers

      Image of oil rig

      Oil sticks: what’s behind the rising price of oil?

      Cartoon by Stan

      Refugees: what next after the Nationality and Borders Act?

      FOI request denied

      Freedom of information or denial of information?

      Trending Tags

      • Johnson
      • Coronavirus
      • Labour
      • Starmer
      • NI Protocol
      • Brexit
      • Culture
      • Education
      • Environment
      • Home Affairs
      • Transport
      • World
    • Politics
    • Opinion
    • Lifestyle
      • All
      • Culture
      • Dance
      • Food
      • Music
      • Poetry
      • Recipes
      • Sport
      Photo courtesy of the JORVIK Centre

      JORVIK Viking festival

      Image of Cragg Vale

      Norky’s Ramblings: a WARTS ramble in Cragg Vale

      Image of 'no racism' at cricket match

      Condoning racism in English cricket comes at a price: £50,000 to be exact

      Debbie Kurup as Star (centre) in The Cher Show, credit Pamela Raith

      The Cher Show: a truly believable show

      image of nadine dorries

      Dorries isn’t joking! Privatising Channel 4 will protect public service broadcasting

      Wild Fell by Lee Schofield

      Book Review: Wild Fell – Fighting for Nature on a Lake District Hill Farm, by Lee Schofield

      Coat of arms of Bulgaria

      Happy St George’s Day in Bulgaria!

      Chicken crossing the road

      Carry on spaffing: why did the chicken cross the road?

      Rotherham

      William Cowen and Yorkshire’s Changing Landscapes

      • Food
      • Music
      • Poetry
      • Sport
    • Business
      • All
      • Economy
      • Technology
      • Trade
      Food bank packing at the Cornerstone Community Centre in Newcastle-under-Lyme, by Staffs Live on Flikr

      Sooner rather than later – why the poorest households need help now

      Constructing houses

      Trouble in Happy Valley: Calderdale Council struggles to agree its local plan

      Cost of living crisis

      A government that’s out of touch and out of ideas

      Cost of living - a house, a piggy bank and a magnifying glass

      Cost-of-living crisis likely to escalate due to rising global consumption

      Driverless car

      How safe are driverless cars?

      Port of Dover, Eastern Docks, Customs Control

      Brexit border checks: better never than late?

      no money to spare

      Levelling down in North Yorkshire: local government reorganisation delivers greater Conservative control but no new money

      Unite the Union flags

      Workers at major housing association in Yorkshire considering strike action after ‘insulting’ pay offer

      Smart meter

      22 million people in the UK having to pay over 50 percent more for energy, as the price cap rises

      Trending Tags

        • Economy
        • Technology
        • Trade
      • Region
      No Result
      View All Result
      Yorkshire Bylines
      No Result
      View All Result
      Home Lifestyle Food

      EU cheese mountain may cause lasting damage to mental health, say experts

      In early scenes, Boris Johnson runs off when he hears Emily talking in sentences and Jacob Rees-Mogg appears to melt like an advent candle, revealing that, under that suit, there’s actually just congealed snot.

      Jimmy AndrexbyJimmy Andrex
      23-09-2020 09:29
      in Food, World
      Delicious Cheese by cwbuecheler is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0

      Delicious Cheese by cwbuecheler is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0

      6
      VIEWS
      Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
      ADVERTISEMENT

      So, this dream I had, it was a film like Kill Bill, but with Emily Maitlis and Kay-Burley-off-Sky-News. Basically, they get so fed up doing clickbait interviews with whining trolls like Daniel Hannan or Darren Grimes, that they go on an intellectual Kung Fu Tag Team rampage, questioning right-wing dimwits to a pulp.

      In early scenes, Boris Johnson runs off when he hears Emily talking in sentences and Jacob Rees-Mogg appears to melt like an advent candle, revealing that, under that suit, there’s actually just congealed snot. Farage initially tweets heavily that he’s going to put Kay-Burley-off-Sky-News right in her place, but then runs screaming across Abingdon Street Gardens when he sees her coffee cup, having mistaken it for a milkshake. He only calms down when he gets by the Thames near Millbank and can point at boats while foaming at the mouth.

      As the plot develops, Emily gets cornered by either Andrea Leadsom or Kim Wilde (it’s hard to tell these days) before they’re interrupted by Dido Harding looking worried, like she’s forgotten to feed her horse. Then, they cut from the studio to Barnsley where Katya Adler is confronting right-wing extremists who have gathered to defend the statue of Dickie Bird from imaginary left-wing protestors.

      Lawd help us, even Piers Morgan has come over from the Dark Side, which makes this dream movie even more unsettling but reassuringly corny.

      Now, given its clichéd structure, the dream / movie gets to the part where the Big Baddy’s hatchet man appears to try and kill off our two heroic Kung Fu interrogators. In this case, it’s Dominic Raab, ‘cos he does karate and stuff, though it takes him a while because he’s not great with maps. Dazzled by the reflection of the camera crew’s own lights off his Mekon-like forehead, he starts kicking Kay-Burley-off-Sky-News about and is just about to crush her to death beneath a box of unsold copies of Rees-Mogg’s book about Victorians when, gasping for breath, she asks him if he’s ever read the Good Friday agreement. All 35 pages of it.

      Thrown off-guard, he hesitates and Emily caves his head in with a Royal Television Society Award statuette.

      Surely now, it’s over.


      More articles from Jimmy Andrex:

      • Covid-19: four scenarios for our future
      • Chumocracy for oiks: an idiot’s guide to ‘levelling up’ and social mobility
      • Funerals: rituals and grief during the Covid-19 pandemic

      But this is a clichéd dream / movie, so as Emily helps Kay to her feet, hair still intact like those Channel 5 afternoon movies involving mild peril and a psychotic boyfriend / babysitter / twin-sister / line-manager, you know there’s a twist coming, as sure as the prime minister makes up statistics.

      From the darkness, laser beams from the bionic eyes of Dominic Cummings blast Kay-Burley-off-Sky-News into oblivion, (a guest-presenting slot on Loose Women), and his army of Incel droids in white linen shirts advance, their giant iPad Pros in one hand and a copy of Atlas Shrugged in the other.

      Realising it may be hopeless, Emily wades in and they dissolve almost instantly upon consensual contact with a female, but there’s too many of them, like stereotypes in a Blaxploitation picture. Cummings does his trademark smirk. He doesn’t even need glasses any more as he advances, wielding an early, non-fiction draft of his statement about Barnard Castle like a halberd.

      Surely this is the end.

      But then, from the gloom, there is a flash of vivid, uncoordinated colour, all purples, browns and lime-greens as Angela Rayner, deputising for the self-isolating Keir Starmer, steps forward and screams:

      “CUMMINGS: YOU’RE NOT AN EVIL GENIUS. MARINA HYDE SAID SO IN LAST WEDNESDAY’S GUARDIAN!”

      As she brandishes the culture section like a cross, Cummings’ sneer shrivels, as if he were on the vinegar strokes, before his skull cracks open like a boiled egg and a tiny Vladimir Putin doll drops to the floor and scurries off into the Dantesque, free-to-download furnace-cum-volcano which was all this dream could afford and means that, ever since, I’ve been getting facebook ads about Mature Women Looking For Love Only Three Miles Away.

      It was Camembert, since you’re asking. One day it’ll come from Texas in a can.

      ADVERTISEMENT
      Previous Post

      The disastrous reign of King Dom, the “dart throwing chimp”

      Next Post

      Norky’s ramblings: episode 8

      Jimmy Andrex

      Jimmy Andrex

      Jimmy is a Wakefield poet who performs all over the UK. Co-founder of Red Shed Readings, he is a presenter on ELFM’s Love the Words, where he writes and produces the Jimmy Andrex Outside Broadcast, as well as co-curating their Writing on Air Festival. Cartoon by Hamley Jenkins.

      Related Posts

      Cartoon by Stan
      Home Affairs

      Refugees: what next after the Nationality and Borders Act?

      byDr Stella Perrott
      13 May 2022
      Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, arrives in Port of Spain for the biennial Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting.
      News

      Night train to the joker and the Queen? Europe’s platinum witness to history

      byProfessor Juliet Lodge
      11 May 2022
      a flyer on the floor with photos of Boris, Priti, Jacob and Michael that says 'they couldn't care less'
      Brexit

      The erosion of democracy as revealed in the European Scrutiny Committee meeting 20 April 2022

      byMartin Brooks
      10 May 2022
      Coat of arms of Bulgaria
      Food

      Happy St George’s Day in Bulgaria!

      byMeryl White
      6 May 2022
      Rwandan small wooden cross
      Home Affairs

      Reflecting on the message of this Rwandan cross, made from the burnt churches of Genocide 1994

      byFrances Cole
      1 May 2022
      Next Post
      Baby Norky with his parents in 1947

      Norky’s ramblings: episode 8

      Want to support us?

      Can you help Yorkshire Bylines to grow and become more sustainable with a regular donation, no matter how small?  

      DONATE

      Sign up to our newsletter

      If you would like to receive the Yorkshire Bylines regular newsletter, straight talking direct to your inbox, click the button below.

      NEWSLETTER

      LATEST

      Image of a baby deer

      Steer clear of baby deer!

      18 May 2022
      RAF Linton

      RAF Linton to house asylum seekers: what we know so far

      18 May 2022
      Indyref march

      SNP success in local government elections heralds second Scottish independence referendum

      17 May 2022
      Photo courtesy of the JORVIK Centre

      JORVIK Viking festival

      17 May 2022

      MOST READ

      Prime Minister Johnson meets with Mary Lou McDonald of Sinn Fein

      Johnson returns from his Belfast train crash empty handed

      17 May 2022
      RAF Linton

      RAF Linton to house asylum seekers: what we know so far

      18 May 2022
      It began as a mistake

      Made a mistake? Simple: just deny it ever happened and make it again

      17 May 2022
      Photo credit Robert Sharp / englishpenLicensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license.

      The Davis Downside Dossier

      1 January 2021

      BROWSE BY TAGS

      antivaxxers Charity climate change Coronavirus Cost of living Creative industries Crime Cummings Democracy Devolution Equality Farming Fishing hgv History Immigration Johnson Journalism Labour Local Democracy Mental Health mining money NHS NI Protocol omicron Pies pollution poverty PPE Public Health Review shortage social media Starmer tax travel Ukraine Yorkshire
      Yorkshire Bylines

      Yorkshire Bylines is a regional online newspaper that supports citizen journalism. Our aim is to publish well-written, fact-based articles and opinion pieces on subjects that are of interest to people in Yorkshire and beyond.

      Learn more about us

      No Result
      View All Result
      • Contact
      • About
      • Letters
      • Donate
      • Privacy
      • Bylines network
      • Shop

      © 2022 Yorkshire Bylines. Citizen Journalism | Local & Internationalist

      No Result
      View All Result
      • Home
      • News
        • Brexit
        • Education
        • Environment
        • Health
        • Home Affairs
        • Transport
        • World
      • Politics
      • Opinion
      • Lifestyle
        • Culture
        • Dance
        • Food
        • Music
        • Poetry
        • Recipes
        • Sport
      • Business
        • Economy
        • Technology
        • Trade
      • Donate
      • The Compendium of Cabinet Codebreakers
      • The Davis Downside Dossier
      • The Digby Jones Index
      • Newsletter sign up
      • Cartoons by Stan
      • Authors

      © 2022 Yorkshire Bylines. Citizen Journalism | Local & Internationalist

      Welcome Back!

      Login to your account below

      Forgotten Password?

      Retrieve your password

      Please enter your username or email address to reset your password.

      Log In