Trigger warning: article discusses themes of death, bereavement and mental health
You may have suffered (or currently suffer) from poor mental health. You may know someone who is going through issues. There are definitely some who continue to suffer in silence. However, it’s crucial to remember that despite the history and stigma, it’s important to seek help or simply be kind.
This year (and every year since 2001) there has been a week in the United Kingdom dedicated to spreading awareness about mental health issues (13–19 May this year). According to Mind, 25% will experience a mental health problem each year. Nearly half a million children are waiting for mental health treatment. There has been a notable increase in cases of depression due to the cost of living. As you can see from the chart below, there is a significant increase in the number of deaths by suspected suicide:
My own journey
On 15 January, my beautiful and amazing wife – my inspiration for so many things – passed away due to sepsis. The chances of getting this were increased due to her already weak immune system being further affected by treatment for oesophageal cancer.
When I first heard the ‘c’ word I – like a lot of people – thought there was an immediate threat to the love of my life. This was different to the laundry list of medical conditions she’d accumulated since the age of six which had already made her vulnerable. My mental health went downhill. Immediately. I didn’t care about my diet, exercise or anything related to my own mind and body. I just wanted my wife to get clear of this.
On that day in January she didn’t seem well at all – something was very wrong. I needed to call the ambulance. My stress levels increased so much. Previously I’d always found ways to help her feel better, but at this point I didn’t feel like I could do anything. I felt useless.
She wasn’t in A&E for that long, although I got the distinct feeling she was in the same space where my dad was when he died of pneumonia in 2020. I wanted her out of there as soon as possible and eventually she was taken to intensive care with suspected sepsis.
For hours and hours I was unable to see her. Thankfully, family was with me along the way, but I didn’t really feel much better. My mind was racing, with all sorts of thoughts entering my head like ‘should I have done anything else?’. Her family rapidly tried to get that out of my head, thankfully.
Sadly, later that day she passed away. I could tell she was giving it one last fight with all the energy she had left, but it was too much.
Devastated doesn’t accurately reflect how I felt. My entire world collapsed. The person I had so much fun with was gone. My inspiration for many things who’d immeasurably changed my life for the better wasn’t with me anymore. If I had a tough day for some reason, I could no longer talk to her about it.
My weight ballooned and there was a period early on where I just couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed. I lost interest in so many things and I no longer knew what to do with myself. I couldn’t care less about anything.
Two days after her death was my 40th birthday. Our wedding anniversary was on 11 February and, of course, there was Valentine’s Day. I found that my wife had (whilst she was ill and weak) bought and wrapped presents for all three events. I found it a real struggle to keep it together on each day.
Without help from family, I would have never been able to cope with the funeral arrangements. I’m eternally grateful and she ended up getting the send-off she deserved.
The help didn’t end there. Friends and family checked up on me and invited me to things. I reconnected with people I hadn’t seen in years. On the recommendation of an old university friend who lost his wife at a young age, I joined Widowed and Young, which has been so helpful and has a great group of people who’ve experienced similar things. I started attending walks organised by a fantastic group called Mental Health Mates. I cannot thank everyone enough for what they’ve done.
I am not back to how I was though and I won’t ever be. I still lack motivation and interest in certain things. I cry at random intervals (which I try to hide from my young niece and nephew if they’re nearby). I cried whilst I was writing this section. I dislike being alone with my own thoughts and can’t stand silence at night. I find I have to constantly fill my calendar with all sorts of things to distract me. Seeing an ambulance always reminds me of that last day.
I am experiencing a ‘new normal’ and trying to work out what to do with my life and how to honour my wife’s memory. With the latter, I have found motivation to get back into shape by signing up to a 26-mile hike around the Yorkshire Dales for Macmillan Cancer Support. I’ve been overwhelmed by the amount of donations for this. I’ve also signed up for a sign language course starting in September (for some of my motivations, see this article). Where possible, I am trying to repay my family and friends for all the help they’ve given me.
If she were here, I hope my wife would be proud.
Looking toward the future
My journey is just one example. The subject of mental health is so wide ranging. With the increased amount of known mental health issues there is a need for more support than ever. So, what is being promised?
In March, the Conservative government stated that it will bring forward reforms to the 1983 Mental Health Act “when parliamentary time allows”, which hardly inspires confidence that such an important issue is being taken seriously. Mind notes that the government has promised reform before and failed. It also wasn’t included in the recent king’s speech.
Sir Keir Starmer has recently promised that a new Labour government would introduce reforms to the act, invest in more staff and introduce early intervention hubs. However, there is no current timeline for this.
After the upcoming general election, whoever forms the government must be pressured into making mental health a priority, given how much of society it affects.
Please remember this
It’s perhaps easy for me to say, but you do not have to suffer in silence. If you don’t have a support network of family and friends, there are organisations and services out there who can provide you with help. There are helplines and all sorts of online resources. If you see someone who you think might be suffering in some way, don’t ignore it. Engage with them and see if there’s any way you can help.
With greater awareness and openness, things can start to get better.
If you are affected in any way by the issues raised in this article, immediate support is available:
