Continuing the conversation between Tim and Steve. If you enjoy this, it’s worth catching up on the first 19 installments via Steve’s author page.
“Happy New Year, Tim!”
“And you, Steve! Not seen you in ages…”
“Been laid up, mate…”
“So the crutch…?”
“Not a fashion accessory, no.”
“Well, I never really thought of you…”
“Oh…?”
“As a dedicated follower of fashion, Steve.”
“That’s a bit…”
“Or any kind of follower, come to that…”
“Unfair…”
“Didn’t realise you and fashion…”
“Especially coming from…”
“Had ever crossed paths…”
“A man who lives…”
“If I’m honest.”
“In a car…”
“Just saying, mate.”
“Good of you, I’m sure.”
“Ships that pass in the night, you and fashion…”
“OK…”
“Badly dressed ships…”
“Thank you, Tim…”
“On a very dark night…”
“Point made…”
“In a vast ocean of crimes…”
“Crimes…?”
“Against dress sense.”
“Did I miss the meeting, Tim?”
“What meeting?”
“Where you were appointed you to the ranks…”
“Ranks?”
“Of the fashion police…”
“New Year, Steve…”
“And…?”
“A fresh start.”
“I see…”
“That’s why I’m drawing up this list…”
“Which list?”
“This list.”
“Which is…?”
“A list inspired by Morris.”
“Morris?”
“Yes.”
“Who’s Morris?”
“Morris, mate…”
“Ummm…”
“You know… Morris!”
“Nope…”
“Mate of Spaffa’s.”
“Not ringing any bells…”
“MORRIS!!”
“Not ringing the same bells, Tim….”
“Really?”
“Just louder…”
“Mad Morris.”
“Never heard of him.”
“You must know Mad Morris!”
“I don’t.”
“You sure?”
“I am.”
“You really don’t know Mad Morris?”
“No.”
“Never heard of him?”
“Never heard of him.”
“Not even a whisper?”
“No.”
“Wow. You have been out of the loop, mate…”
“So enlighten me…”
“Mad Morris…”
“Yes…?”
“The Vulture Sex Wrecker.”
“The what??”
“The Vulture Sex Wrecker.”
“Have you been drinking, Tim?”
“One or two, Steve…”
“Figures…”
“A little livener…”
“I see…”
“Take the edge off the day…”
“How many fingers…”
“Nothing more.”
“Am I holding up, Tim?”
“Er…”
“Go on…”
“Twelve…?”
“Close enough, mate…”
“Thank you.”
“So…”
“Yes?”
“Morris…?”
“Been all over the news, Steve…”
“I must have missed it…”
“Mad Morris…”
“Yeah…”
“Vulture Sex Wrecker…”
“So you said…”
“Standing up for the little people…”
“Go on…”
“In their fight against…”
“Uh-huh…”
“The Man. Or, in this instance…”
“Yes?”
“The BBC.”
“Oh, Tim.”
“What?”
“You’re talking about…”
“I know what I’m talking about…”
“The Culture Secretary…”
“That’s what I said…”
“And that’s not Mad Morris…”
“I think you’ll find it is…”
“It’s Nadine Dorries…”
“Who??”
“Dorries.”
“What about Morris?”
“There was no Morris, Tim.”
“You going along with this, Steve?”
“Eh?”
“You happy with this…”
“Not really, mate…”
“This brave new world…”
“I mean, Nadine’s never got nearer to culture…”
“Where poor Morris…”
“Than a yogurt in her fridge…”
“Is airbrushed out…”
“But we are…”
“Of political history…”
“Where we are.”
“Replaced by a yogurt…”
“Tim…”
“While you go along with…”
“Tim…”
“This doublethink!”
“TIM!!”
“What?”
“Morris never existed, Tim. There was no Morris.”
“Oh. My. God…”
“It’s a shock, I know…”
“Unbelievable…”
“What?”
“How quickly you fall…”
“Touchy subject, falling…”
“In behind the party line…”
“Makes the leg itch.”
“Erasing Morris…”
“Eh?”
“From history.”
“Blimey, Tim.”
“The simple truth, Steve.”
“You reckon?”
“The simple, unvarnished truth.”
“It really isn’t…”
“Run with Big Brother…”
“In fairness…”
“And his henchmen, if you want…”
“I’m on crutches, Tim…”
“It’ll end in tears.”
“I’m not running anywhere.”
“But I am one man, shaking off…”
“Steady…”
“The shackles of oppression, Steve.”
“New year, new start, Tim.”
“You taking the piss?”
“Hardly at all.”
“Good.”
“Getting back…”
“Yes?”
“To this list…”
“It’s a list of all the things…”
“Go on…”
“Which I am compelled to pay for….”
“OK…”
“But do not use.”
“Like the BBC…”
“Yes.”
“Which you don’t pay for…”
“Not the point, Steve.”
“Because you live in a car.”
“Do you want to hear this list?”
“Can I say no?”
“No.”
“In which case I’m all ears.”
“I the undersigned, etc…”
“Good start…”
“Wish to cast off the yoke…”
“Naturally…”
“Of unreasonable financial tyranny…”
“Go you…”
“To whit…”
“To whoo?”
“Shut up, Steve.”
“Sorry.”
“To whit, the garden waste bin…”
“Heady stuff, Tim…”
“Norfolk…”
“All of it?”
“Utterly pointless…”
“A controversial take, mate…”
“Motorways M11, M18, M56, M23…”
“I see…”
“And others as yet unspecified…”
“Uh-huh…”
“All maternity wards, schools, and libraries…”
“Not a reader, then, Tim?”
“Anywhere south of the river…”
“Hmmmm…”
“And the overwhelming majority…”
“Yes?”
“Of the UK sewerage system.”
“Wow.”
“I could go on…”
“Please don’t…”
“But that gives you a flavour…”
“It does…”
“Of what I’m on about.”
“What about Trident, Tim?”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Steve.”
“Sorry…”
“That’s an essential part of the glue…”
“Glue?”
“Which binds our society together.”
“Of course…”
“I am demanding…”
“You’re not kidding…”
“A refund…”
“Good luck…”
“Forthwith.”
“With that.”
“And l am sending this list to Morris…”
“Who else…?”
“At the House of Commons.”
“Right.”
“Vulture Sex Wrecker, Steve…”
“Yes…?”
“Vulture comma Sex Wrecker…?”
“Er…”
“Or no comma at all?”
“Either will do, Tim. Trust me. Either will do.”
