A CONVERSATION

“He’s following the science, mate”

“Rusty Shell” by darkday is licensed under CC BY 2.0
 “Doing more work on your car then, Tim?”
 “Nope.”
 “But – ”
 “Not this time.”
 “Quite a few modifications there, though.”
 “Yep.”
 “So…?”
 “Nothing to do with me, Steve.”
 “Really?”
 “I’ve learned my lesson…”
 “That’s great news, Tim.”
  “…and I’ve got an expert in.”
 “Music to my ears, Tim. Who is it?”
 “Spaffa.”
 “Spaffa??!!”
 “Yep, Spaffa.”
 “Hedge hair Spaffa?”
 “The very same.”
 “Oh god.”
 “Thought you’d be pleased, Steve.”
 “Why, Tim? Why in the name of all that’s holy…”
 “Spaffa’s alright.”
 “…are you letting him anywhere near your car?”
 “He reckons he knows what he’s doing, Steve.”
 “Mate, there are days when Spaffa barely knows his own name.”
 “Oh, come on…”
 “No, really.”
 “He’s a bit dim, I grant you…”
 “A bit???”
 “But he knows how to have a laugh.”
 “You mean he says the first thing that comes into his head when he’s pissed.”
 “He doesn’t mean any harm – “
 “Tim, he got sparked out in the Rose & Crown…”
 “Yeah, but…”
 “…and they do afternoon teas.”
 “It was an overreaction.”
 “It was Nana Roberts. And she broke his jaw.”
 “An unprovoked assault, Steve.”
 “A left hook, Tim.”
 “No justification for it.”
 “He hasn’t mentioned ‘watermelon smiles’ since then, Tim. Just saying.”
 “Whatever.”
 “So… you’re letting Spaffa work on your car?”
 “Yes.”
 “Are you sure that’s a wise move, Tim?”
 “He’s following the science, mate.”
 “Really?”
 “Absolutely.”
 “You sure?”
 “Why do you have to question everything, Steve?”
 “Call it my curious nature.”
 “Annoying.”
 “What?”
 “Annoying, not curious.”
 “Very good, Tim. So go on, show me.”
 “Show you what?”
 “Show me how Spaffa’s following the science.”
 “Eh?”
 “Give me an example of Spaffa’s great work on your car.”
 “OK.”
 “Whenever you like.”
 “Right then.”
 “I can wait all day.”
 “I knew you’d ask, smartarse.” 
 “Like I said, it’s my curious nature.” 
 “This is going to be embarrassing for you, Steve.”
 “Really?”
 “Best get ready to eat your words.”
 “Uh-huh.”
 “What Spaffa’s doing here is making the car more efficient.”
 “Right.”
 “By reducing the weight of the car, he cuts the fuel consumption.”
 “OK…”
 “That’s science, Steve.”
 “I see.”
 “Science, backing me up.”
 “Because…?”
 “When I removed the airbags and the brakes…’
 “Right…”
 “…I was making the car lighter and more fuel efficient.”
 “And more dangerous.”
 “I’ve not had a single accident since, Steve.”
 “You’ve not gone anywhere, Tim.”
 “That’s beside the point.”
 “It IS the point, Tim.”
 “Isn’t.” 
 “There are listed buildings get about more than your car.”
 “She’s a work in progress, Steve.”
 “I see.”
 “We’re just making the last few adjustments and she’s good to go.”
 “Hmmm.…”
 “As I’m trying to explain, if you’d just shut up a minute.”
 “Sorry, Tim. Carry on.”
 “Like I said, science. Less weight, less fuel.”
 “Uh-huh.”
 “So Spaffa cut off the roof…”
 “I’d noticed.”
 “… and scrapped the doors.”
 “Yes, I’d seen that too.”
 “All that unnecessary weight. Gone.”
 “But…”
 “Yes?”
 “What about weather, Tim?”
 “What about it?”
 “Rain. Snow. That kind of thing.”
 “I’ve got a cagoul, Steve.”
 “A cagoul?”
 “Yes. A cagoul.”
 “Wow.”
 “Not so full of it now, are you?”
 “Well.…”
 “Spaffa’s following the science and you’re looking stupid.”
 “I’m genuinely speechless.”
 “Not before time.”
 “You’re not the first to say that, Tim.”
 “No surprise there, mate.”
 “Thanks.”
 “I mean, you’re OK, but you do bang on a bit.”
 “I’ll bear that in mind, Tim.”
 “Do.”
 “Can I ask one last thing?”
 “Go on, then.”
 “The wheels… that’s Spaffa’s idea too?”
 “If you mean is it Spaffa following the science, mate, then yes. It is.”
 “Talk me through that, would you?”
 “Blimey, Steve. I should be picking up a teacher’s wages.”
 “What?”
 “Educating you like this.”
 “It’s very good of you, Tim. Really. But the wheels?”
 “Friction, Steve. Drag.”
 “Yeah…”
 “Reduce the number of wheels, and you reduce the friction with the road.”
 “I see.”
 “Increasing fuel efficiency and speed.”
 “Especially when you’ve got no brakes.”
 “Exactly.”
 “So, just the two, then?”
 “Two?”
 “Two wheels.”
 “Yep.”
 “At opposite corners of the car.”
 “That’s right.”
 “And it’s propped up on bricks.”
 “Like I say, Steve. Work in progress.”
 “OK.”
 “Science. It’s a wonderful thing.”
 “Oh, indeed.”
 “Spaffa’s doing a great job, mate.”
 “If you say so.”
 “This car’s a bloody wonder.”
 “I’ve never seen anything like it. Honestly.”
 “Really?”
 “Hand on heart, Tim.”
 “Good of you to say that, mate. Takes a big man to admit he’s wrong.”
 “Absolutely, Tim. Fancy a pint?”
 “Why not, mate?”
 “My round. It’s Xmas.”
 “Nice one. Dog and Trumpet?”
 “Dog and Trumpet.”
 “Great. I’m gasping.”
 “Tim, did I ever tell you about the time Spaffa spent four hours in A&E with a ring spanner stuck round his…”
  
 *they walk up the road together*
 *car topples slowly, inevitably off bricks*
   

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